{"id":1364,"date":"2025-03-22T22:18:24","date_gmt":"2025-03-23T03:18:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/?p=1364"},"modified":"2025-03-23T18:41:39","modified_gmt":"2025-03-23T23:41:39","slug":"im-back-and-love-is-stupid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/2025\/03\/22\/im-back-and-love-is-stupid\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m Back and Love Is Stupid"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Well, I\u2019m not dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ok, listen. I wrote half of this post about three weeks ago, but I ran out of steam and was unable to finish it. I thought, \u201cIt\u2019ll be a few days late, but it\u2019s fine. I\u2019ll finish it before the weekend.\u201d Except that didn\u2019t happen. What happened was the universe ONCE AGAIN tried to kill me. Nay not kill. Destroy. Absolutely demolish. Evaporate, even. To smithereens!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Basically, I was drowning in schoolwork and work-work, and the rare moments in which I wasn\u2019t, I was in a dissociative limbo of pure anxiety, rage, and terror. So, y\u2019know\u2026 No blog updates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I did,<\/em> however, make the White Boy Awards<\/a> in my absence. Give it a watch if you want. It\u2019s quite fun, if I do say so myself. Also, I wrote the majority of the second chapter of Bark and Bite<\/a><\/em>! I\u2019m planning on uploading that next week, so tuned for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let me talk about Bark and Bite<\/em> for a second, actually, because I love that shit, man. I really do. I love writing and making stories, so to make the story that\u2019s in my head into something tangible for others (and myself) to read has been so<\/em> cool. BnB currently has 205 hits, 18 kudos, and 2 comments, and oh boy, do I feel like I\u2019m a New York Times Bestseller. Basically, I\u2019m Jane Austen. Or maybe E. L. James is the better comparison. I\u2019m Snowqueens Icedragon. Anyways, I love being able to share my work with strangers. I love to share my work with friends, too, but strangers don\u2019t have<\/em> to support my work the way friends do, you know? Unfortunately, I am competitive and everything is a game, and right now it feels like I\u2019m winning at being a writer. My posting schedule for BnB will likely be at least one chapter per month, which I worry might be too slow for some readers, especially given how long the story is looking to be. But alas, it\u2019s my fanfiction and I get to choose the speed at which I work on it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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Elizabeth from the National Aviary in Pittsburgh<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

One more thing before we get to the part of the post I wrote last month: I am thinking of becoming a part-time YouTuber. Honestly, I kind of already have been one since I was, like, 13, but I think I might actually keep up with it a bit more consistently. Well, whatever \u201cconsistently\u201d means in my terms\u2014so probably like one video every moon cycle? Unsure, but I\u2019m currently slated to post THE F1 video (which will actually not<\/em> be titled that, surprise surprise) sometime this weekend\u2014if the stars align\u2014and I\u2019ve been toying with the idea of vlogging recently. Because I need to add more to my plate. You know, I say that sarcastically but it is <\/em>somewhat true. I\u2019m not a huge fan of lying around in a depression slump, and I\u2019m hoping that having a busy schedule will prevent that from happening. Plus, I\u2019m a very complex person and need multiple ways to express my many multitudes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I need to think it all through more, but here\u2019s my basic reasoning for starting to vlog:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, I was raised on YouTube, for better or worse. This has shaped many aspects of my personality, especially my humor, and has led to me now sometimes thinking in YouTube video format. What I mean by this is that some of my thoughts just need<\/em> to be expressed via YouTube. Isn\u2019t that stupid? Yeesh. I mean, it\u2019s a bit fun, though, and I don\u2019t think it\u2019s that <\/em>different from other forms of expression. But it is<\/em> a bit stupid. Regardless, I like YouTube. I like watching it and I like creating for it. Even though by the end of making a YouTube video I end up wanting to strangle someone, I do find the process fun and rewarding. It\u2019s similar to how I feel with BnB except I\u2019m winning at\u2026 I don\u2019t know\u2026 being likeable?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking of, second bit of reasoning, I may have some issues. I know, shocking. Yeah so, wanting to win at being likeable probably isn\u2019t the most healthy mindset\u2026\u2026\u2026 But also I want to. No, okay, here\u2019s the deal. I know<\/em> I\u2019m likeable, and I know that my likeability translates well to video. You may judge me for what I\u2019m about to say, but it\u2019s the truth: I find recording my likeability for others to be somewhat of a gift. I find my projects (i.e., blog, fanfiction, poems, YouTube videos) to be acts of kindness since they inform the unknowing public of my coolness. They\u2019re also love letters to myself, since they, and the positive reception that they come with, remind me that I am awesome, and that others agree. No one else will record my awesomeness and go on to share it with others. At least not now. So it\u2019s up to me to inform the people that I am cool. Because I am, and I\u2019m generous enough to let others witness my cool factor. See, I\u2019m the perfect candidate to be a YouTuber\u2014I have the required mental health issues and touch of narcissism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The last reason is that I need a way to talk to the future because I am currently unconvinced that it exists. \u201cHey now, the seriousness of these reasons seem to have skyrocketed,\u201d I hear you say. \u201cYou want to talk about it?\u201d No. No, I do not. But thanks for asking! No, really, all it is is Dinosaur Philosophy, dude. For me, it feels like the meteor struck and I\u2019m just awaiting my death. But boy, is death taking a while to come, so I may as well keep on living until it does. Only problem is that I don\u2019t know how to keep going when I think I\u2019m heading into a volcanic pit of hell. How do I make it through the present when I don\u2019t even know if the future will be there to meet me at the end? Maybe if I talk to the future directly, I\u2019ll convince myself that it will be. Maybe I\u2019ll speak it into existence, who knows? Maybe if I vlog for future generations, they won\u2019t abandon me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a bit rusty at this. Do I usually get that bleak and vulnerable?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been thinking of changing my YouTube handle to Hades, specifically if I want to start posting videos more consistently. I realized the pseudonym is rather pointless on AO3 because no one really uses names on that site\u2014we\u2019re all Y\/N\u2014but it would be extremely useful on YouTube. I\u2019m a bit nervous to make the change, though, because I know I have some friends who watch my videos but don\u2019t read my blog, so I worry their reaction may be, well, reactionary. Like, what if they think I\u2019m cringe and annoying? Who am I kidding\u2026 they already do. Oh well then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Alright, I am done with updates. Enjoy the rest of the blog. It\u2019s an interesting one, in my opinion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2736<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love is stupid, don\u2019t you think? I mean, it\u2019s the meaning of life. But it\u2019s stupid<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve come to realize that whatever classes I\u2019m taking seem to have an influence on my life and vice versa. It\u2019s like every assigned reading is a commentary on my life. It\u2019s been somewhat of a challenge not<\/em> spilling my guts out every class discussion because the topic is so relevant to what I\u2019m going through. I wonder if it\u2019s like this for everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At this exact second, the most influential class I am currently taking is my popular romance course. I love this class a lot. It\u2019s taught by one of my favorite professors, it\u2019s on one of my favorite genres, and it\u2019s full of students who are actually capable of having interesting discussions. For the past month and a half, this class has forced me to think about love a lot, partly in ways I never have before, but not completely. What\u2019s funny is that not all\u2014not even the majority\u2014of these thoughts about love are new to me. I\u2019ve been thinking about all this for a while<\/em>. But now it feels different. Maybe because I\u2019m different? Maybe because everything\u2019s different, yet nothing is. Maybe because now I\u2019m saying it all out loud and I\u2019m realizing just how stupid it all is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where do I even begin?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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glinda juice and elphaba PUNCH!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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I just finished reading Sofia Khan Is Not Obliged<\/em> (2015) for that class. I think it might be my favorite book we\u2019ve read so far, if not top two. It took me a second to get into it, but once I did, I couldn\u2019t put it down. I guessed the endgame couple almost immediately, which is more impressive than you would think considering that it\u2019s more chick lit than it is romance, so the endgame couple is not as concrete. But it\u2019s less impressive if you know about the chick lit genre the way I do. I mean, it was so obvious. Come on. Still, though predictable, I loved reading it all play out. It\u2019s about the journey and not the destination, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SKINO was marketed as a Muslim Bridget Jones\u2019s Diary<\/em> (1996, novel; 2001, film), and it reads like that, I would say. Full disclosure, I haven\u2019t actually read Bridget Jones<\/em>, but I have the movie etched into my brain, so eh, that should be good enough knowledge. Sofia Khan is a bumbling and comedic British woman in her 30s, navigating through love, work, and life in general, all while keeping a diary. Very Bridget Jones of her. She also has the added bonuses of dealing with racism, Islamophobia, and family dramatics, so she\u2019s definitely not just<\/em> a Bridget Jones clone. She\u2019s Sofia Khan, damn it!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Each one of the books we read for this class leave me with at least one idea about love to ponder about. (That\u2019s kind of the point of the class. It\u2019d be a problem if they didn\u2019t!) SKINO\u2019s ideas\u2026\u2026\u2026 are interesting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, I\u2019m destined to become a romance lead, aren\u2019t I? I noticed this eons<\/em> ago, but SKINO has reminded me that every goddamn protagonist in a romcom (and sometimes just rom) is a writer. Alongside her diary, Sofia has a blog for crying out loud! I used to hold on to this statistic like a lifeline. On days when the yearning was particularly unbearable, I used to think, It\u2019s <\/em>going to happen one day. The odds are in my favor. It <\/em>will happen.<\/em> Now? I\u2019m somehow more and<\/em> less of a hopeless romantic. Less because I\u2019m tired of holding out, you know? I keep saying it. I\u2019m tired of waiting. But more because\u2026 fuck. I still think it\u2019s going to happen. If there\u2019s a will, there\u2019s a way. If I want this, then I am going<\/em> to get it. And, my god, do I want this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then there it is. Going..<\/em>. Going\u2026 Going\u2026 This verb is the bane of my existence, probably because it\u2019s the key to everything. The only way I\u2019ll be satisfied is if I face what this verb means. It could mean one of two things, or maybe both. Either I\u2019ll be in a constant state of going to get<\/em>, but never actually getting, and\/or the only way I\u2019ll ever get, is if I go.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everything I want in terms of love feels like a fairytale. The meet cutes. The dynamics. The happily-ever-afters. Even SKINO, a rather realistic novel, feels fairytale-ish. But maybe that\u2019s just because it\u2019s a story. I\u2019m not completely sure this will make sense, but when have I ever? Basically, I\u2019m beginning to question if I know the distinction between real life and stories. My life feels like a story, but how come not everyone feels that way? Is there something I\u2019m missing? What parts of stories aren\u2019t real and how do I prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment that\u2019ll come with learning so?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anywho. When I look back to literal fairytales, like Disney Princess movies, and modern fairytales, like romcoms, I notice the love happens because there\u2019s an inciting incident that leads to it happening. In the fairytales I am thinking of, I notice that the inciting incident tends to happen to <\/em>the heroine rather than because<\/em> of her. Here, we have quite a couple of Oh Brother\u2019s. First Oh Brother, what if I\u2019m not exactly a heroine? Not exactly a hero either. I\u2019m a Herobrine. Second Oh Brother, you want me to wait MORE??!??!?!?! Ohhhhh Brotherrrrr.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I did manage to think of one heroine who causes the inciting incident, though, and it\u2019s almost perfect who it is: Ariel. Miss Little Mermaid herself. My childhood favorite princess. No one or nothing forces Ariels to save Prince Eric in the beginning of the film. And while she gets a bit manipulated by Ursula into signing away her voice for legs, no one or nothing forces her to seek out a way to get them. She just wants to save Eric, so she does it. She just wants legs, so she gets them. Ariel has always been seen as one of the Disney princesses with the least agency, but I\u2019ve never seen her that way. Can\u2019t say I cared about any of that when I was three and dressing up as her for Halloween\u2014think I was just interested in her tail, hair, and songs\u2014but now that I’m older, I look at her and see a young girl full of curiosity, bravery, and love. She\u2019s inspiring, honestly. Wow. That feeling when you\u2019re shaped by the art you consume. Jaw drop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So that\u2019s idea number one. The idea that I\u2019m destined to be a romcom protagonist, it\u2019s only a question of when. Idea number two is an answer of when. And I\u2019m not sure how I feel about it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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i look good here. wait omg Ariel hair<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Sofia Khan is in her 30s. Before her endgame, she was dating for years\u2014she even got engaged! Twice! She dealt with bad dates, awful suitors, heartbreak, and perhaps most importantly, years of singledom. Well, shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to skip all that, I think. Recently, I\u2019ve been flirting with the idea of being a serial dater, but I know what I truly want is to be in a long-term commitment. Ever since I knew about love, I have wanted to be in love forever. As usual, I am once again ahead of the game. Not many twenty year olds want to lock in to forever yet\u2014either for good reason or because they\u2019re all boring, you decide\u2014which leads me simply waiting. Waiting for everyone to catch up. Waiting for someone who is ready for forever. Waiting for something<\/em>. Anything! Please!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As much as I hate it, I must continue to play the waiting game. I refuse to settle for less than what I want and I refuse to give up, so I just have to wait. But it doesn\u2019t have to be such an excruciating process. Even if I am waiting, I must find a way to make it feel like I\u2019m not. Love is the meaning of life, but surely romantic love is not life in itself. I have to make myself believe that. I think, consciously, I do believe it. But my subconscious is telling me that I haven\u2019t started living until I make progress in that category. Need to figure out how to change that or at least drown it out. It\u2019s what I\u2019ve been feeling in general, really: I need to figure out how to feel alive. Part of me wants to add \u201cagain\u201d to the end of that sentence; the other part me thinks it works without it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What do romantic leads do before their love stories? Probably stuff like finishing school\u2026 Going to work\u2026 Hanging with friends\u2026 Starting a blog\u2026 Swimming in the ocean\u2026 The usual. All stuff I need to do. All stuff I\u2019m going<\/em> to do. Just need to turn the \u201cgoing\u201d into a \u201cdoing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The third and final idea is a quick and unfortunate one: I\u2019m probably not going to realize when I\u2019m not waiting. Every. Single. Goddamn romantic lead. Never realizes they\u2019re a romantic lead. They go, \u201cNo way this person would like me<\/em>,\u201d then spend 15 chapters being oblivious to all the very obvious ways that that person loves them. Now this is unfortunate for me because not only will it feel like I\u2019m waiting for forever, but as you may be able to tell by now, I am rather self-aware. As in, I know I\u2019m destined to be a romantic lead, but you\u2019re (SKINO, romance\/chick lit novels, etc.) telling me that I won\u2019t know when I become one? Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. That\u2019s not good. I\u2019m the mature one. The smart one. The self-aware one. I\u2019m the one who\u2019s always ahead of the game. You\u2019re telling me that when I get what I want, I\u2019m going to be forcibly stripped of all that? At least for 15 chapters? Bruhhhhhhh\u2026\u2026.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Although, I doubt I\u2019m going to exactly be a conventional romance lead, so perhaps that means my love story won\u2019t be conventional either. Maybe I\u2019ll be aware when it begins? Or maybe I\u2019ll end up with a ghost or something! That\u2019d be cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If anything, this blog post makes a great prologue to whatever stupid love story I will eventually find myself in. Oh shit, wait, does that mean my love story is about to begin? It sure as hell doesn\u2019t feel like it. Wait, fuck, is this<\/em> the obliviousness that romance leads feel? What the hell does that<\/em> mean then???? GAH! Love is so stupid!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well, I\u2019m not dead. Ok, listen. I wrote half of this post about three weeks ago, but I ran out of steam and was unable to finish it. I thought, \u201cIt\u2019ll be a few days late, but it\u2019s fine. I\u2019ll finish it before the weekend.\u201d Except that didn\u2019t happen. What happened was the universe ONCE […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1392,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1364","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1364"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1364\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1400,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1364\/revisions\/1400"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1392"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1364"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1364"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/longstoriesshort.blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1364"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}