Life Is Still Worth Living

Welp. Here we are. In the wise words of Rhett and Link, let’s talk about that.

For the past few months, I have been terrified about this election. Well, I’ve been terrified in general for… forever, but this has been high on the list of terrors for these past couple of months. I always held onto hope. Despite how fucking difficult it often was, I held onto hope until the very end. Until Thursday, honestly. But I think I was partially terrified because I always knew that this was a very, very fucking real possibility. 

A lot of people suck. A lotta, lotta, lotta people suck a lot. When Biden won, it was close, right? According to my math, he won by 74 electoral votes. For those of y’all who did not take AP Gov (or just don’t remember this from U.S. history… did they teach this is US history?), the electoral college are the actual people who vote for the president. Our vote basically tells them who we want. Sort of, kind of. I don’t want to get too into it. Anyways, it was a close call, and it’s felt like it for the past four years, no?

I mean, when there’s a domestic terrorist attack on the country’s capital about how they think the vote was rigged, and it happens when the new president hasn’t even been inaugurated, that’s probably an omen, y’know? An omen that, hey, a lot of people fucking hate you. They hate that you exist, and that you’re here—in their neighborhood, at their school, on their street. Because it’s all theirs, right? Theirs, theirs, theirs, and never yours. And then, for four years, you’re constantly reminded that these people hate you. With their stupid and ugly fucking hats and flags (they want to be gay sooooo bad, literally stop copying us), and their annoying fucking chants, and their vicious fucking words, and their violence. All their fucking violence.

Then, the election comes, and your guy can barely breathe, and their guy can sneeze and they’d all come in their pants. And then an actual decent (as a politician can fucking get) candidate replaces your guy, but she’s a woman—a woman of color. And you’ve experienced the last four years as a woman of color. And you know, deep down, that they’ll never pick her. You hold on to hope that you’re being pessimistic and “never” is actually “not yet”. But even then you know “not yet” means “not now”. So she loses. Because of course she fucking does.

There’s a lot of people you want to get pissed at. The people who didn’t vote. The people who voted third party. Your party for not putting her in sooner. Her for not being a better candidate. But I think that’s what those fuckers want. They want us to divide ourselves, and to hate each other. It’s part of the reason why they fucking won, I think. I think we kind of already are divided.

I’m not a political scientist—though I did get a four on my AP Gov test, thank you very much—but it feels as if too much of the left’s energy is being used to criticize the left. Buddy… we are on the same team.

I have an example that comes from online discourse, and though the online world often does not represent the actual world, I think it’s relevant. Basically, queer people are commonly pitted against each other for frankly no reason. Transmascs and transfems fight over who has the worst oppression; LGBT fight over who gets their letter included (i.e., “aces aren’t actually queer”); people get worked up over who gets to reclaim what slur; and just general in-community bullying. Honestly, general in-community queerphobia. (@Biphobics, what is your problem?) Why are we doing all this, dude? Being queer is hard e-fucking-nough, why are creating more problems? I love you, guys. And I don’t mean, “I love you” as in being queer automatically means you’re a cool person, it just means… I’ll try to save you if a queerphobe is trying to kill you. To put it bluntly. I love you, as in I will never want to hurt you. Why are you trying to hurt me?

Something else I’ve been seeing online since the election results is that the U.S. has a radicalization problem right now. Which, duh, but also, we got to ask ourselves why and how do we stop it? I’ve seen many opinions about how it might have to do with the anti-man vibe that’s been happening for a bit. Stay with me now, you don’t want to be part of the problem, do you?

Hear me out, I don’t know when it exactly started—I think decades ago, honestly. Perhaps even centuries. But one way women have seemed to gain their power is through this mentality that men suck. Men are our oppressors, so it makes sense to say such a thing. However, I can’t help but wonder if this mentality has gone too far.

When we automatically equate masculinity to toxicity, and when we say, “I hate men,” think about what that does, truly. Think of all the people you are saying are inherently awful; think of all the people you hate. How is this better than patriarchy? 

Didn’t anyone see Barbie (2023)? This article says everything I’m trying to say way better, but essentially, the Kens were afterthoughts in Barbieland (matriarchy), with no power. So when Ryan Gosling’s Ken suddenly gets power and respect in the real world (patriarchy), he transforms Barbieland into his Kendom (patriarchy), which leaves the Barbies powerless instead. Maybe this Men-Suck mentality is the same thing from the opposite side; women have found power in matriarchy, but in doing so, have (unintentionally?) belittled men. This has caused a cycle, where now men are leaning heavy into patriarchy and far-right politics to get back their power. Granted, their attempts to gain power are much easier, effective, and dangerous since our society is quite sexist, but should we not try to stop the cycle instead of continuing with the same ol’, same ol’ where we’ll eventually end up right here again?

A lot of men suck, but a lot of women do, too. I know I sure as hell ain’t gonna start saying that women suck, so why should I continue saying that men suck? I’m not suggesting that the suppressed forgive the oppressor; I’m suggesting we make sure we know who the oppressor is. There’s a reason why I didn’t just say, “People suck,” earlier. Despite how awful so many people are, I know there are so many good people in the world, and if I start saying that all people suck, I ignore them.  

I think this may be my most controversial opinion yet, but I stand by it. I do not want people to hate me based on my identity markers, so why would I hate others based on theirs?

We have to practice love more. To remind you of my original point, they want us divided. But if there’s anyone to be fucking angry at, it’s them. I have no idea if what I’ve said has made any sense, but if you’re going to take anything away, take that.

Wait a second, am I doing the same thing I said not to do? Am I unnecessarily criticizing the left? Whoops!

Anyways, all this being said, I am fucking spiteful right now. I’m wondering if they’re the only ones allowed to be violent because I’m sick of having to be the better person. Dear FBI reading this, no, I’m not going to do domestic terrorism. I just keep thinking about our elder queers. Pride was a riot. Pride was a riot…

It’s frightening being alive right now. I feel like I’m going up a roller coaster, and at any moment, the drop’s going to happen. Things are going to change—a lot of things for the worse—but not overnight, and definitely not without a fight. Maybe it won’t be a drop, but instead a slow descent.

My inevitable descent into madness… Ha. That’s in my About bio. I wrote it when I first started my blog in September. We are so deep into that descent, buddy.

I don’t know when I’ll die, I think it might be better that way, but right now I have trouble seeing past five years. Violence, disease, natural disaster—it’s feeling like one of those is gonna take me out. Sorry to get morbid, but hey, maybe we’re all thinking this and are just waiting for someone to say it out loud. In that case, I volunteer as tribute. Anyways, I bring this up because, well, with this sudden, very real reminder of my mortality, and the aroma of extreme hopelessness in the air, I have been thinking about all the good things in life. All the reasons I want to keep living. These are my goals, I guess. Let’s talk about that, instead.

I want children. This may be utterly shocking to a lot of you, mostly because I have never really shown a large interest in children, but throughout the years I have decided that I want to be a parent. To specify, I want to foster and adopt. I no longer fear babies, but I doubt I would be able to handle caring for one. Though, the idea of playing DNA roulette does sound fun, and I find the process of birth SO COOL! …But I doubt those are good reasons to have a baby.

My age limit at the moment is around eight. It used to be around twelve, but it’s gotten lower, so who knows? It may continue to decrease. I feel comfortable with saying eight and up because I feel that eight year olds start to gain more understanding of the world. I don’t think I could teach a child how to count to ten, but I could teach them the four square breathing method. I would really love to at least foster tweens and teens because I feel as if they are often neglected; people forget that they need love just as much as the little kids. All I want is to give comfort, joy, and love, and I think providing a place where kids can feel at home would allow me to do that.

I want to fall in love. I’ve had crushes—really intense crushes—but I am yet to have that italicized “Oh.” moment. I’ve always, and still do, yearn for long-term commitment, which is funny because I think I have commitment issues… We’ll get to that another day. I want someone I could turn to no matter what. Someone who’d I want to raise kids with. I want a partner, through thick and thin. I’m lucky because I have friends who I do love a lot, and who love me a lot, too, but I think romantic and platonic love are a bit different for me personally. I don’t think one is more significant than another, but they are separate things that I equally want. Besties, I do not want to kiss you, sorry to say. I want a person to smooch!

I want to be a published author. I think my big dream is to publish a fictional book, though I wouldn’t mind publishing poetry or memoir-type writing either. Hold on, I have a blog. That’s memoir-type, I think. Am I a published author? Wow, look at me go!

I want to host parties. I want a place to call my own that’s also my kids’ and my partner’s, and I want to share it with all my loved ones. I want to make enough money to treat my loved ones to delectables. I want to be able to say, “My doors are always open,” and to have people not hesitate to walk through them. I want to celebrate being loved and loving, because that’s all every party ultimately is, isn’t it? A celebration of togetherness.

We have to be together. We have to. We have to. We have to.

These goals feel a lot like “if’s” right now, but I’m going to call them “when’s”, because as far as I’m concerned, they are. I will get these things. I will. I will. I will.

You know, my blog is starting to feel less like a public diary and more like notes to future generations. Writing this feels like writing archival work for an anthropologist to study one day. Me when I’m a part of history. Or like, this feels like something I’ll show my kids one day. Oh, that’s sweet. Hi kiddies! Your mother is losing her mind right now. I love you all.

Alright, what else is happening? I didn’t upload a post last week due to insane amounts of homework and incredibly high stress levels, so I suppose I should talk about what happened then, now.

On October 27th, we got fucking DREAM SMP LORE. Guys… okay. I’m coming out of the cringe closet as a Dream SMP (dsmp) fan. If you bully me about this, I will block you. I’m not joking.

I freakin’ love Minecraft, and I have since I was, like, six. I got the game on my little iPod back when it was free on the app store. That’s how long I’ve been a Minecraft player for. I’ve also been a fan of YouTube for a really, really long time, for better or for worse. So naturally, I found Minecraft YouTubers (mcyt) right away and became addicted. Stampylonghead, iBallisticSquid, and DanTDM were my holy trinity. Around middle school, maybe slightly before, I fell out of watching mcyt, and honestly, playing Minecraft, too. It was a mix of the typical middle-schooler-too-cool-for-everything phase and a bit of oversaturation within the Minecraft sphere. But then, in 2019, lives were changed.

In 2019, the iconic SMPLive was born. I remember most of the timeline of how I got into this, but all you need to know is that I, unfortunately, watched a bit of CallMeCarson, which eventually led me to smplive (I’m lowercasing that bitch because we’re familial with each other. It’s like a father to me. Evil stepfather). There’s no denying that smplive revitalized Minecraft content and (re?)spawned the popularity of Survival Multiplayer (SMP) servers, especially on live streams (thus the “Live”).

Once CallMeCarson was found to be a horrible person, the hype fizzled out from the server, but many, many people had capitalized on it by becoming full time mcyt and/or creating their own servers. Two guys particularly come to mind: Dream and Wilbur Soot.

Dream. We all know Dream. We probably all hate him, too, which is completely reasonable to do now, but before? I think y’all were just being haters, if I’m being honest. Dream became popular because he rode the algorithm. He saw what got on people’s feeds and he copied it. What initially brought him attention was copying Wilbur Soot.

Wilbur—who we also now hate, by the way—was a member on smplive and gained a big following for his “Minecraft But…” series, where he’ll find some weird, cool mod and play on it either alone, with other mcyt, or with his followers. Dream would do similar videos with his friends, but what really got him insanely popular was his “Minecraft Manhunt” series. In it (haha, unintentional foreshadowing), Dream would try to beat the game while his friends tried to kill him. I liked these videos. You could feel his anxiety while watching, it was cool. He was not a bad player either. He became a popular and decent speedrunner, which did lead to such funny drama, but that’s neither here nor there. What’s important is that Dream became so very popular and for his whatever million subscriber special, he and his friends, the Dream Team (barf), made an SMP. And so, the dsmp was born, right around the start of quarantine, I believe.

As the dsmp had its humble beginning, Wilbur’s server, SMPEarth, which was one of the biggest after the death of smplive, was ending. (I think.) This server had many soon-to-be dsmp members, as well as many ex-smplive members. Everything is connected, guys.

One of the first non-Dream Team members to be added to the dsmp was the one and only, TommyInnit. Thunderous applause. This guy we LOVE! Tommy started to gain popularity on SMPEarth, but he shot into stardom on the dsmp. It is in my humble opinion that Tommy was the one who truly turned the dsmp from a chill (ahem, lame) Minecraft server for friends to hangout on into the roleplay-heavy, lore-driven absolute BEAST it became. And at 16 years old. He’s so insane, I love him.

I got into the dsmp in September 2020 or so, right when the lore was constant and so, so, so good. I can’t get into the full canonical, or even uncanonical, story of the dsmp, but I’ll say this: The dsmp ended horribly. I wouldn’t wish the dsmp ending onto anyone’s fandom. It was similar to a lot of Minecraft SMPs in that it just faded away. People started playing less and less, until they just stopped altogether. The thing was, this was a story, and so many people, myself included, were invested. So it hurt, man. It hurt to care for something more than its creators did. Not even, because so many dsmp members tried to continue telling their character’s stories, but some other members (@Dream) were so miserable at communication and planning that they were never able to. 

Tommy, Tubbo (another early-added member), and Dream eventually did a conclusion stream in 2022. And it sucked. Majorly. Guys… they nuked the place. They literally nuked the dsmp and erased the characters’ memories. That’s the fucking ending. We all fucking hate it. So much.

They gave us scraps for months and months and months, and then when they finally gave us something with substance, it was THAT? They just went, “And it was all a dream.” !??!?!?!?! What were they thinking!

The fandom collectively decided to ignore that ending and create our own headcanons for our favorite characters. Seeing as everyone hates Dream—and Wilbur, who was another important character—we all assumed that we’d never get dsmp content again.

But then, October 27th, 2024 came around… and the nuke ending got retconned, baby. We won.

Jack Manifold, another dsmp member, was doing a Halloween stream where he decided, as a goof, he’d go on the dsmp for shits and giggles. Except when he got on—as he later said in the stream, after the dsmp segment—he was reminded of how much he had loved his character. He was hit with so much nostalgia that he couldn’t help but slip into roleplay. And then, Tommy joined.

Tommy was the protagonist. This is so controversial to say, you guys don’t even understand. If the fandom found this, they’d start beating me up. But hear me out! The dude, by which I mean his character, was wrapped up in soooo many storylines, and his actions affected soooo much stuff. That’s protagonistic behavior, your honor.

Jack’s character hated Tommy. He spent most of the story planning ways to kill him, actually. But when they met up here, and started talking in the in-game chat, all he and Tommy could talk about was how nice it was seeing each other. Tommy said he was living in a cabin somewhere far away, and that he had a little, sweet, pink sheep, and that Tubbo (his in-story BFF, and I think out-story, too) visited him often.

Jack asked Tommy if he was happy, and Tommy said, “Getting there.” And I lost my mind.

Tommy’s character started as a happy-go-lucky young lad, who after years of getting beaten down, over and over again, ended up a PTSD-riddled, depressive, self-loathing guy. He also died once. Tommy’s whole story was ultimately about dealing with trauma. He was constantly being put through the wringer, and being tossed around by everyone, but here in the epilogue, as they’ve called it, we see that he is finally able to rest. And no, he is not yet happy, but he’s getting there. That’s all you really need to be, I think. Life is not about being, it’s about trying to be.

This epilogue cured something in me, though it also broke me at first. I was actually going nuts when I first learned about it because WHAT do you mean we got new dsmp lore two years after that horrific ending?!?! But since getting over that, I now realize how much I needed this.

I cared for that story, and I cared for those characters, especially Tommy. I latched onto the dsmp during COVID. It brought me joy during a time when I was so fearful everyday for no particular reason. I grew up with Tommy. He was 16 when he joined that server, and I was 15 watching him. Though I never experienced any of the trauma that his character in the dsmp had, and though I never became an overnight-internet-superstar as a teenager like he did, over these past few years I have been trying to find my way in life just like him. And I haven’t found it yet.

I am still fearful. I am still lost. I am still not yet happy. Everything… everything, everything, everything around me seems to be changing so much, but these things always seem to stay the same. And I am still trying. I am. I am. I am. I am getting there.

That may be the last time I ever see Tommy’s character, and I’m okay with that. What a perfect send off. We didn’t even get to hear his voice, which is great unintentional storytelling. As mentioned, Tommy was always the center of attention. His character was involved in several important plotlines, and outside of the story, he grew to become the most popular streamer on the dsmp. But now, he has no eyes on him at all. He has privacy. He has peace. It’s nice.

Jack ended the dsmp segment by leaving Tommy and going to the casino. Leaving Tommy is significant; it’s him letting his anger go. Going to the casino aligns with the gambler bit Jack’s got going on (LOL), but it also made sense for his character, trust. He said a really raw line that I love, “No gambler ever ends on a loss.” To me, this feels like a meta-commentary on the dsmp nuke ending, but it’s also the idea that you gotta keep going. It’s a bit of the gambler’s fallacy, thinking your chances of winning next time are higher because you keep losing right now, but hey, false hope is still hope, no? I’ll take it if it’s all I got.

I’m getting there. I just need to keep going.

I wrote a poem about it. It’s so extremely rough and frankly not good, but I’m considering sharing my poems I write—maybe I’ll make a poem section on this site. I’ve written a couple of poems these past couple of weeks, some of which I really like and think y’all might, too. We’ll see, though.

I am going to end this long ass post with F1 news, because of course. The Brazil grand prix just occurred last Sunday, and it was the best race of the season, hands freaking down.

First off, Qualifying happened a couple hours before the race because it was a wash out on Saturday, so they couldn’t do it then. Some crazy placements happened. Notably, Max Verstappen in P12. I have never seen Max get out in Q2 (places 11-15), so that was so shocking to witness. People have speculated that the only reason he got out then was because the FIA (F1’s refs, essentially) called a red flag too late to ensure Lando Norris got ahead of Max. Obviously, this is just a rumor, but the FIA has been quite suspicious recently. I smell Lando favoritism. Alex Albon was another crazy placement. He managed to pull that Williams tractor he drives into Q3 (places 1-10), he even got P1 at one point, which is insane. He did crash, though, and since Quali happened the same day of the race, his mechanics were unable to fix his car in time, so he did not race. Quite unfortunate. At least he didn’t steal his teammate’s car like he did in Australia, am I right? And then Yuki Tsunoda got P3. Madman! He’s good! I’m tired of the Red Bull team ignoring his talent.

Before the race could even begin, we got more drama. Lance Stroll, idiot that he is, crashed during the formation lap, which happens right before the race starts to warm up the cars’ engines and tires. What’s stupider is that he could’ve rejoined the race, but this dumbass drove into the gravel, beaching his car, instead of just going backwards onto the track. He is so dumb.

So then we got another formation lap, which Lando Norris in P1 and a couple other drivers near the front started too early. This resulted in fines for a lot of drivers, which honestly, I would’ve liked to see time/placement penalties instead. Lando favoritism once again?

My boy Oscar Piastri did unfortunately get a time penalty of 10 seconds for something like re-entering the track dangerously after driving off it, or getting too close to another driver, I forget. Free my boy, he did all that, but, like, can you blame him? A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Oscar had to give up his sprint win the day before the race for his teammate Lando, and then during this race, he had to give up his spot to him. Can you blame him for being a bit full of rage? Exactly.

It was a wet race, so a ton of people were slipping and sliding everywhere. We got multiple yellow flags and two red flags. With the red flags, we got one safety car, one virtual safety car, one pitlane start, and one rolling start. Those are mostly self-explanatory, I hope. My second boy Ollie Bearman was filling in for Haas driver Kevin Magnussen this race, and he was a driver who kept getting off-track. He ended up on the grass and in the wall multiple times, yet he somehow managed not to get out of the race. Cockroach behavior. He didn’t even get last. The two Saubers did, which goes to show you just how bad the team currently is. Boy, how’d the cockroach beat you?

The other Haas driver, Nico Hulkenberg, got a black flag, which means instant disqualification. It was the first black flag in 17 years, I believe, which is so nuts. Congrats to him for breaking that streak. Basically, he got off-track though did not get completely damaged, so he tried driving back into the race, but then he got stuck. The marshals (sort of like baseball’s grounds crew, or tennis’s ball boys) pushed him out onto the track… which is considered outside help… which is illegal. The poor marshals were so excited to help him, they didn’t realize they just disqualified him. Oopsies.

Alpine got P2 and P3. I can’t even begin to explain how impossible this was thought to be, and yet they did it. One Alpine, Esteban Ocon, was even leading the race for a bit, which is even more unbelievable. People have been joking that the Alpine car is such a boat that it only does well in water, which I find remarkably funny and seemingly true. Esteban and the other Alpine, Pierre Gasly, have been going through a divorce recently, which is to say they used to be really good friends but now (for what I think are trivial reasons?) they fucking hate each other. But this two-three finish has seemed to call off the divorce? They were hugging and laughing all during post-race stuff. Love wins!

Finally… Max Verstappen WINS! Oh, I never thought I’d be so happy to say that! As we know, I used to be anti-Max because of Abu Dhabi 2021, which I will not be getting into at the moment, but I’ve been coming around to him as the season has progressed because I just hate Lando that much. I don’t need Max to win, I just need Lando to lose. But now? Now, after the 2024 F1 Brazilian GP? I am fully a Max fan. He is INSANE. We need to lock him up. Charles Leclerc needs to knock him up. Who said that?

As previously stated, Max got P12 in Quali, but he also got a five place penalty for whatever reason (favoritism? Eyebrow raise), so he actually started in P17. He managed to win. From P17. In a wet race. With multiple flags. And by 19 seconds. LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! I think he got up to P6 or so within 10 laps, and then got P1 around lap 40. Then, he just never lost it. He zoomed so far away from everyone. There was no need to. Once you have, like, five seconds on someone, you’re safe for the most part, especially when that car behind you is a fucking Alpine, but Max kept going. He got multiple fastest laps, which means he kept improving his time around the track. HOW?! LITERALLY LOCK HIM UP!!!

This is catastrophic levels of cunt seeing as this was basically his response to all these people who have been hating on him these past few races. After the race before this one, the Mexican GP, Lando was complaining about Max’s aggressive driving style and saying that he had to change it. When a reporter relayed this to Max, he just held up three fingers and said, “Three championships. I don’t need to change anything.” Wig took a walk. I’m literally bald. And then he goes and does this, showing us exactly why he has three championships and why he’s about to get that fourth one. Oh, the slayage. Oh, it’s so severe.

What a race. What a week. What a month. What a year. What a life.

I love you, guys. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Let’s continue going together.

some of my reasons to keep going