Many thoughts.
Many, many, many, many, many thoughts.
I guess I’ll start with addressing the fact that this post is late. If, for some reason, this is your only way of keeping up with me, you may have thought I was dead. Fear not, I am alive, despite the universe’s several attempts to kill me. I’ve mauled it over, and I have decided that for the foreseeable future, my posting schedule will henceforth change to being biweekly. Because I decided I need more bi things in my life.
No, because, well, there’s just too much happening! You’d think if there was a lot happening in my life I’d be more drawn to updating my blog—that I’d want a space to keep track of everything. But sadly, having all this stuff happening has just made me busy and stressed! If I were to continue with the weekly posts, they’d all be very short, very vague, and very depressing, honestly. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with such posts, but they are not my favorite to write. I’ve had enough of writing those. I’d like more in-depth, peppy posts, please! I’m hoping that this new schedule will allow me time to comb through my thoughts and present posts that are more to my liking, but as always, no promises.
That being said, will this be an in-depth, peppy post? Who’s to say.
Also! I’m broadening my posting day to the whole weekend. That way I have more flexibility to write and upload my post whenever my schedule allows. It was already kind of like this, but now it’s official.
The week following my last blog post sucked. It was like I said, “Gird your loins,” and the world said, “Bet.” That Tuesday—or maybe it was even that Monday—I sobbed in my mother’s arms. It was hard not to. It was hard not to feel like the world was going to end. It still kind of is. She hugged me, and assured me that this is the way it always is. It’s scare tactics. They all do this type of shit to seem high and mighty, and to make their voters feel like they made the right choice, but then the checks and balances and the stagnant nature of the government as a whole make their big promises crumble. I’m choosing to believe her. I’m trying to, but I’m scared those checks and balances might go away. But I keep reminding myself: Do not obey in advance.
Someone play Fall Out Boy because Sugar? We are going down swinging. It ain’t over till it’s over, and even then, it ain’t over till I win. Times like these are when it pays off to be stubborn.
The week after that wasn’t much better. It was the same thing over and over. I felt like I was being crashed by waves again and again and again; every time I tried to catch myself, water filled my lungs instead. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go anywhere. But then I kept asking myself, “Where would I go?” Nowhere feels safe anymore. Nowhere on planet Earth seems far enough to escape. I guess I’m going to the moon.
Maybe I’ll leave one day, for now I’m staying here. Here. Here. What do I do while I’m here?
I’ve been trying to figure that out these past two weeks. I’ve been trying to figure that out for forever. I think I landed on an idea.
I mentioned before how I feel as though I’m waiting for everything to happen. I talked about it a lot in my last post, especially how I was wondering if the things, specifically the good things, I’ve been waiting for would even happen if all I do is wait. I have decided that I need to take action.
I’m not too sure how much I’m going to share about this with you all, even though I’m pretty sure the only people who read my blog are the people who I am okay with knowing about this/already do know about this. But still, I have to think about how much of this I want on the internet. For now, I’ll say this: I’ve known for a while now that the meaning of life is love. It’s about finding people you love, and ones who love you back. It’s about doing things you love, and figuring out what those things are. It’s about learning how to love, the pain that comes with love, and simply the action of loving. But I’ve come to learn that life is also about change. Life is about the change that happens around us, to us, and because of us. It’s about how we react to change—how we adapt to it, if we do. Life is about the changes we control and the ones we do not. For too long I have been a bystander or a passive recipient to the change happening in my life. For once, I want to take control, and what I can control is me. Life is changing all around me. I may as well change with it.
doesn’t the mark on the wood (the one centered in the photo) look like a bear? or perhaps a dog
I’ve decided to be annoying with this. You see, I often make sense of my life by putting it in narrative terms. Hell, that’s kind of why I even have this blog. Making my life into a story helps me understand it better. It helps me like it better, too. So, for my plans to change… me? My life? Both? I have decided that I will make them literal plans. You know how in chick flicks about, like, becoming cool in high school or making someone fall in love with you there’s always a multi-step plan that the characters actually follow throughout the movie? Yeah, I’m doing that. 10 Ways to Like Your Life Again, or something. It’s stupid, I know, but so am I. So is life.
For whatever reason—probably something undiagnosed—the way life is supposed to be has never worked out for me. I’ve always been weird and I’ve always done stuff in nontraditional ways. I guess when your life is inverted, you learn how to do everything backwards. What seems strange to everyone else just makes sense to me, and vice versa. So yeah, maybe this plan is stupid. Maybe I’m saying all the things that are supposed to quiet out loud. Maybe I’m doing everything wrong, but I can’t remember a time I ever did anything right.
I’m a clown, you know? The greatest fuckin’ showman. I look weird and I act weird. I just want to put smiles on people’s faces, but sometimes I just make them cry. Sometimes I get made fun of. Sometimes I make fun back. It’s awful, and it’s wonderful, and I’m scared of it, and I love it, and it’s all just a lot of fun, you know? Da joker is me, baby.
Me………… Who am I again?
It’s strange. It’s like I know the core of who I am, but none of the outer stuff. Oobleck. You know what it is, but what is it? I’m not the same person I used to be. Not from two years ago, or one year ago, or maybe even one month ago. I feel like a slug without a shell. Or Venom without a host. I’m a shapeshifter who shifted a bit too much and now I’m just a blob. I don’t necessarily need to stop being a shapeshifter, I don’t think I even want to stop being one, but I need to find some form again. I need some shapes that I feel comfortable being in for long periods of time. I feel like Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist if you’ve ever seen/read that. Envy is a shapeshifter who, when not posing as a particular being, defaults to this one look. They have two true forms (one when powerful, and one when weak), but those aren’t the most convenient to go day-by-day as, thus the default look. I need a new default. Maybe a couple, if I really can’t choose.
Fullmetal Alchemist. Oh, Fullmetal Alchemist. That show (Brotherhood (2009), the superior one) changed my life. I remember when I realized it did. It was lockdown times. I was watching an episode on my own. I forgot which episode it was, and I could probably go back to find it if I wanted to, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I was watching an episode alone. This was rare. The first time I watched the series, I did so with my brother. I only watched one or two episodes on my own, and one of the times I did, I was looking at all these characters on the screen and I was thinking, “I don’t know if I want to be them or be with them. ………………Wait. Shit.”
At that point, I was pretty sure I was queer in some capacity, so realizing I had a bit of a crush on some of the female characters wasn’t that shocking. What shocked me was the fact that I had envy for some of the male characters. Then, I realized I had envy for Envy. They had all the gender and no gender, and all the pronouns and no pronouns, and could be anything or nothing, and was just so cool. Oh to be jealous of jealousy itself.
I’ve never really talked much of my gender before with anyone, mostly because I never felt a huge desire to. In fact, the mystery was part of my gender for a while; I liked people being confused about it. I still do to some extent, but I now find myself wanting to be more explicit about it. A bit more than a week ago, I hung out with some friends and the conversation ended up with me talking about my gender, and I realized just how good it felt. I gotta do that more. I don’t really want to scream, “MY GENDER’S FUCKED!!!!!” from the roofs of town square, but I oughta be more courageous in presenting the way I want to. I’ve realized that for the past couple of months—maybe years, I’m not sure—I’ve been living in a way that’s easier for others. I can’t do that anymore. Not if I want to look in the mirror and see me. My timing on all this sucks considering the political climate, but also I’m not so sure there ever was a time where it wouldn’t suck. We live life not because it’s easy, but because we must. I’m here not because I want to be, but because I am. I’m me, because it’s impossible to be anything else.
I’m still figuring out what being me entails, and perhaps I’ll always be in the process of figuring that out, but all I know is… look out ‘cause here I come.
I really hope you get that reference because it’s a genius callback. I’m so smart and talented.
Speaking of my smarts and talent, it’s time to talk about my fanfiction. Yay!!!!!!! I will be posting my fanfic sometime after I upload this here post, which it’s probably, hopefully up by the time you’re reading this! It’ll only be the first chapter, but it’s, like, 10 pages, so go have fun with that! I’m about halfway through chapter two. That chapter is going well, though I’m not sure how I’m going to end it to be honest. I might just keep writing until I find myself at a natural stop. Sometimes you gotta trust that your story will lead you to where you need to be. Hm. I wonder if that’s a metaphor.
I have to say this. It’s stoopid with two O’s, but I just have to say this. I just gotta. Y’all… I may be a fujoshi, like, 50% of the time… but I’m also just a boy, dude. Crying emoji. I’m only saying this because I was telling someone about my fanfic yesterday and she was side-eyeing me and saying, “So it’s all about the men.” I think she was joking… for the most part… but nonetheless I need to say, as my own affirmations, that there is nothing wrong with writing from the perspective of or about men, regardless of your gender or sexuality or whatever. If you’re a girl who likes shipping men or talking about male characters, then who gives a shit, bro. If you’re a boy who likes to do the same, then who! Gives! A! Shit! Bro! Let the fujoshis live. Let the gents live. Just… Just! Whatever, dude! PLEASE don’t call me a misogynist for writing about men. It’s just fanfiction. Crying emoji heart emoji.
On that note, I have figured out a pseudonym. Well, I actually already had it in mind. I was just building up the courage to share it with you guys. The pseudonym is, ahem: Hades. It’s nice, no? Let me share my reasoning behind it because it’s actually so good.
Hades is of course the ancient Greek god of the dead and king of the underworld. Right away we have things that just make sense for me. I have a mild interest in death, I would say. I’m somewhat of a Goth Lite. I’m especially interested in the afterlife and undead, so the idea of being king to a bunch of ghosts sounds pretty awesome, not gonna lie. Then, it’s the idea of being king. Even before I knew I had funky gender, I preferred masculine versions of some words/titles for myself, even if I didn’t really mention it. Queen is nice, don’t get me wrong, but king just has that extra kick of gender euphoria. I’m a girl who’s a king. Get over it. And then, there’s the whole god thing, which yeah, maybe I do have some sort of complex. We’ll deal with that some other time.
Looking at Hades in the media, two of my favorite versions of him come from Hercules (1997), one of my favorite Disney movies, and Hadestown, one of my favorite musicals. Hades from Hercules is actually soooo me—he probably most definitely had a role in shaping my personality when I went through puberty. Love him. Also love Hades from Hadestown but in a different way. I don’t necessarily aspire to be like him, but he is sexy and scary and cool, I cannot deny. Both are banger stories with stellar songs, so I don’t mind being correlated with them.
Also, I picked out this pseudonym before I read Percy Jackson. That Hades is cool, too, but don’t be thinking I picked out this name because of those books. Nuh uh, my reasoning is much more cringe, as you can see.
Besides what the name means or who it represents, I also just like the aesthetics of it. Five (my lucky number!) letters that all sound exactly as you’d expect. I have a thing against silent letters in words. I actually used to have a vendetta against the letter H because I thought it changed its sound too much. But now I see that changing is fun. H is honestly such a solid letter. It looks cool. It sounds cool. It has a ton of cool words it’s part of. Me and H are besties now. I had a enemies to lovers arc with a fucking letter. Lord. Anyways, the name looks good; it has a good variety of shapes and doesn’t look bad in any specific font. And it sounds… Strong. Alluring. Powerful. Serene. Like an open body of water on a cool, dark night, or the silence that comes after a harsh snowstorm. That’s Hades.
Because of its origins, it’s obviously more of a masculine name, but when you tie it to a person like me, it transforms, don’t you think? It stops being a boy’s name or girl’s name, and starts to sound more like a hymn. It becomes a ritualistic chant used to call upon some old and grand power.
I picked Hades as a pseudonym years ago. I don’t remember when exactly I did, nor what prompted me to come up for a pseudonym, but I just remember thinking that if I were ever to become famous, I’m not sure I’d want to use my legal name. I remember thinking through all these reasons and liking the name a lot, but what really made me pick Hades was this one view of the god that connected him to change. It’s a rare perspective, but it stuck with me. What is death if not change? Death is transformation, and I am a shapeshifter. I am Hades.
Hades also means “unseen” and “hell”, so I guess there’s that too. That’s fun. He’s known to be wealthy, too, because, like, jewels and ores are underground, which he’s the king of. So… Money money money.
Just to reiterate, Hades is a pseudonym. I’m still Luna. Just think of it as a nickname, and my writer name. It’s official: Bite and Bark is a Hades original. #FanficTitleReveal. I have a pseudonymous last name too, but that’s not important right now. We’ll get to that some other day.
Wait, if Hades is my writer name does that mean this is also a Hades original? Gulp… much to figure out.
As for my other projects, I’m hoping to get the White Boy Awards out by next weekend. I have one last part to film and edit, and then the final touches, which all shouldn’t take long. I’m praying it doesn’t take long… THE F1 video is in production hell. I’m sorry, guys, but hey, I don’t like it either if that makes you feel better. I accidentally made it wayyyyy too detailed, so I think I’m going to dial that back a bit so I can try to get the ball rolling on it again. I just want to make sure you guys understand everything I tell you in that video, but it’s so hard to do that without getting into decades of lore. Yeesh! I WILL get it done before the start of the 2025 season, and that IS a threat. To myself. And the forces that prey on my downfall.
I lowkey don’t even want to watch the Super Bowl tomorrow. Mannnn fuck the Chiefs.
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